"Right, Left, Right, Lift" kindergarten was spread with teacher's high voice. In front of teacher, there's dozens of kids were standing with arms akimbo. Their small eyes were sparking. They were preparing art festival which is kids sing and dance in front of their parents. I was one of them. I was so happy to dance. I practiced not only practice time but also free time. In the end, festival day, I did very well, but everyone follow what teacher is doing which is opposite direction. But, I didn't follow teacher. I did what I learned, so I was in opposite direction, but I didn't care. That day, my father told me, you did very good job, but you have really strong ego. When I'm tired, I remember that day, because that makes me happy.
3-a: I see that this writing is about your experience when you were in the kindergarten. I could tell tell that it's real by looking at the parts where you've stated your emotions and feeling back then and by looking at the very last sentence.
ReplyDeletec: Your essay had only a single paragraph, still it had a nice beginning. Your first sentence (hook) seemed interesting for me as a reader and it triggered me to read further on. By just looking at your hook, I could tell that the overall writing would be about your kindergarten experience.
d: Mostly Sol wrote in past tense as the topic was about her younger days, and Sol used present tense in the last sentence. I think the change of her tense from past to present was appropriate because it gave me a feeling that Sol was summing up her whole essay to conclude.
-commented by Yeonjae Hwang
It would have been better if you put more details of the process of learning the dance and the song. Also, I would like to know what you have learned from this particular experience. Why is this experience significant to you? I think it's a little bit tricky for the reader to fully grasp the main point... Maybe it was an important event to you because you did your best to achieve the goal (preparing for the art festival) and was satisfied with the result? :) - Ha-eun Jeong
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm Bo-won Kim. I liked the beginning of your writing as it describes your experience vividly and I can picture little kids following the teacher's dance steps as I read your writing. But it would have been better if you had described them more about the progress and put some direct quotations of what your father had said at that time. You used mostly past tense in your writing as it is about your past experience but at the last part you changed your tense to the present and I think it is appropriate in a way that it's about how you feel now. Thank you for sharing your writing with us.
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